Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
