Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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