Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
