If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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