i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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