what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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