Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
