All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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