My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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