Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
operation have a gay friend backfired
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm too high and old for this...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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