Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
