You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize