you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
