I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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