i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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