someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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