Im at strip club and am horny
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
