I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
