I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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