Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
