Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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