This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
