hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
