Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
