Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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