how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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