I just saw a hot homeless man
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
