we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
