It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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