i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
