God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
