The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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