I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
