dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
