just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
