you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm sobbing to NWA
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
