I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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