So drunk its hurt
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
