If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
