You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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