someone threw a dead crab at me
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
