I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
