i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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