he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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