He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
how drunk are you?
Several
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
