dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
there was a trapeze. enough said
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
