My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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