I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
