im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
