I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
