he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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