if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
