i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
