I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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