i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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