i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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