At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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