you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
