ya dads aren't the best wingmen
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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