who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize